drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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