This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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