I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
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Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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