I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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