so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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