wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
