Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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