Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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