Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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