I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
