what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
