Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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