I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
