y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
