Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
