Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
