The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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