haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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