After last night, I could never be a politician.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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