My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
