cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
