I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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