Only a mothe r could love this liver
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
