I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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