That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
