i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
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I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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