Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
