You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
