Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
