Your dad touched me again.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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