You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
