i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Randomize
