If that was your dad, he is hot
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
