Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
