somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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