My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
