I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
