All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
