Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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