Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
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Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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