you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
