I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
