I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
