That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
