hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
