Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
