I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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