Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
