ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
