Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
