Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
