His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
