She bit a glass in half.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
