someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
