i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
