She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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