I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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