peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
