Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
im six kinds of drunk right now
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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