Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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