All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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